When you smiled,looked down and said yes,I wanted to hug you the tightest,say please always be with me,hell marry me already!, I’d never want that smile to not be there,you were there were for me on those days when I was at my worst and confused about every single thing.
But instead I grinned widely,cracked a joke and laughed at it on my own.
When you got me bread that morning, cause you no(know) I wouldn’t be up till the mess was open,I wanted to jump down and hug you tight (yes I hadn’t even brushed)for you were a blessing and the reason I didn’t skip breakfast.
But instead I sat up,all lost and gave you a smile and whispered a thank you.
When you knew about my anxiety and cleaned up that puke,when you were all spick and span,when you wiped my face,held my hand and patted my shoulder (that was your way of saying ily),I wanted to tell you how lucky I was, having someone like you in my life, what a great person and friend you were to deal with all my paranoia.
But I was too embarrassed and tried to hide my face and run away.
When I came crying to you at night, because of that one guy,I no(know) how frustrating it was for you and yet you smiled,calmed me down and told me it would get better. I wanted to show the world that long distances do work!You and I were apart for 12 years before we were together again.
But I buried my face in your comfy blanket and just smiled weakly.
When you guys looked up at me, through the video call,supporting and telling me you’d always be there despite whatever was happening. I wanted to tell you,that I’m done with it,I can’t cry myself to sleep every night,that I had you guys,I didn’t need this man.
But I kept a brave face,and smiled politely.
When society told me girls don’t take mechanical,I wanted to tell them with a smile and a stern look,that I chose it because I wanted to,I liked it and wanted to pursue it. The possibility of building things, designing things and most importantly it answered my fundamental question of how things work.
And this was the one thing,I did not leave unsaid.
Aesthete 