On relation-ships

‘You’re my everything’, I said.

The first thing that came to your mind was probably a romantic relationship, but that’s not everything we have right?
There is a kind of relationship where you don’t talk for days, but you know that you’re still as comfortable knowing their deepest secrets or sharing your own.
A kind where all you obsess over is silly banter about food,books and movies.
The one’s where all you have are deep, philosophical conversations.
And maybe even the one’s where you just wish each other a Happy Birthday.
Some where you may be take for granted (leave immediately) or some where you take someone for granted.
Some which includes an exchange of books and assignments and some that have been silent for too long.
The beautiful one’s where you talk about anything and everything, and some where you’re only close because of a hobby or passion.
Then there are kinds where we laugh,cry, fall in love, are in awe and learn everyday
Some where you give advice, and some where you receive advice.
Certain one’s which are based on deep art and culture, and some which involves tic tac toe in the middle of class. The one’s where you go out for food and talk about daily life or some where you just sit in silence and stare at the moon.
There are one’s with comfortable silences and one’s where you talk over one another.
When you insult each other all day but you know you’ll be there for each other. The kind which no matter how long it’s been aren’t meant to be, and some which are instantly  made. Some involve calls once a week, and some everyday and some once a year, but they’re all special. There are one’s that you want to pause in the moment and just hope they’d never change. Some change and that’s for the best. In some you find home and at best in some the best version of yourself.

And somehow you put the pressure of all of these on one relationship, and then wonder why relationships fail?

It’s 1970, I hear Gulabi Aankhen on the radio and put on my bell bottoms, as I move quietly to find you waiting outside the house, ‘we’re going together’ to the town fair.
It’s 2020, my phone notification reads, I’m waiting downstairs, we’re going to the fort.
It’s 1980, it’s raining outside, on the road side Ek Hasina Thi Ek Diwana tha plays as we walk home from after the premiere of When Harry met Sally.
It’s 2019, and we’re deciding what to watch, we cringe at When Harry met Sejal and watch Ghoul instead in the library as it rains outside, and I hold your hand as we watch Ghoul, it’s the second time I’ve held your hand.
It’s 1990, and we’re obsessed with leather, we go around, when I’m home I listen to Pehla Nasha, in hopes of what could’ve been, and dreaming about being with you.
It’s 2018, and I’ve just introduced myself, maybe a little too loud and the only way I flirt is by stealing your watch. It’s the first time I met you, and I try my hardest not to let you see this side of me.
2000,2001,2002,2003,2004,2005,2006,2007,2008,2009,2010,2011,2012,2013,2014,2015,2016,2017.
.
.
.
Aristophanes says,”Love is born into every human being; it calls back the halves of our original nature together; it tries to make one out of two and heal the wound of human nature. Each of us, then, is a ‘matching half’ of a human whole…and each of us is always seeking the half that matches him”

Romeo and Juliet didn’t define my idea of love, neither did Mr.Darcy
Don’t get me wrong, I am an old romantic , I would do anything for it but I guess it’s shaped by different classics.

Jake and Amy
What grew out of a rivalry, and falling in love while on a stake out eating nuts out of a bag. A proposal out of a game and just accepting quirks. For two people to be completely independent and so drawn into their careers, working in the same field and still maintaining the romance.
Isn’t that true love?

Monica and Chandler
I’d be lying if I said I’m not a control freak or obsessive. But I guess I knew in my heart that I’d find my Chandler one day. The sarcastic one? Over the top with jokes, could he get any more annoying? Someone who understood the obsessions and the freaking out, the constant need to please people and the weird excitement, that fantasy about getting married
And you no how difficult it was to get over the previous relationship, didn’t you?

Jim and Pam
What are the chances it starts out when Pam already had a boyfriend. They were in a long distance so early on and ofcourse he understood her desire of joining a different company or becoming an artist. Well he had a plan B and plan C but he knew he wanted to marry her the day they met.

Lucifer and Chloe
He literally went to hell for her.
Need I say more?

You see these people shaped my idea of a classic romance and maybe that’s why I fell head over heels for you.

I haven’t travelled the world.
Infact I’ve never stepped out of the country but I have a pretty good idea of it I guess.
It’s a little like what Matilda felt, not just places but people and conversations and experiencing culture.
You see
With Julie and Julia I was introduced to French cooking and shopping in France, with charlie I saw Wonka’s factory and with Eat,Pray,Love I went to Italy, learnt “Dolce far niente” and Bali where I found spirituality and Calcutta and even experienced a pizza Margherita.
Every time Morrie had a conversation, I pictured myself sitting in that room and just listening to his perspective on life,love,death and so many more.
I’ve read all of Nicholas Sparks and maybe the ideal location for the perfect romance setting could be anything! You no I’ve always loved history of and historical places, and Dan Brown took me through them, be it the Vatican and be lost in it’s culture or actually get to create dark matter in CERN, it is my dream you  see.
It was never limited to our planet alone, the Hitchhiker’s guide took me across the galaxy, and luckily I got to experience so many worlds.
Hogwarts for instance, and even sitting through the potions class or my favourite Profesor Lupins or just roaming the village of Hogsmeade, even the feast.
I’ve laughed for hours at the Twits and Fantastic Mr.Fox.
Been to places where the rainbows end, and through letters and emails, I might’ve visited the world, even through a pair of jeans the sisterhood of traveling pants.
I’ve danced with the beast in the hall, and I’ve gone on a vacation for the love of my life to find the love of my life?
I’ve solved murders with Poirot and mysteries with Nancy Drew and the Hardy boys.
I’ve been in the Babysitter’s club and even been through adventures in fives and sevens. To America, On the Road.

What if I told you I’ve seen the world through Hitler’s eyes and even Kalam’s.
I’ve learnt to be a rebel, like Jane Eyre.
Through 1984 and through each moment, the time travellers wife.

All of this just sitting by the window, in a room.

It was 2006.
I was told I had a brother, and that annoyed me, turns out it was a joke and I had a little sister.
An older brother or sister would’ve been preferable but I guess it wasn’t in my hands.

I thought we’d grow up being best friends, share everything and ofcourse I’d be your role model.
Little did I no that was far from the truth what followed were endless fights, snatching clothes and what not.

But I’d be wrong if I didn’t say you’ve seen me at my worst. That you were 6, when you saw me cry through the nights, and when I’d go inside, you’d pretend to be anna, and call me out to build a snowman, sometimes you still do.
I pride myself in being a great communicator but no one had to bear the brunt of me shouting or just dismissing anything you ever needed, and I thought that’d be okay.

You fought with guys twice your size over my dance videos and I’ve always seen you cry everytime I did. You made notes and cards and stuck them all over the mirror before my boards, you knew about my anxiety, and I thanked you with a nod and continues doing what I was. You’ve known my deepest secrets and you even drank the milk maa gave me cause I never liked it.
And when I went to college, you sent me off with your delicious cookies and made everything I loved to eat, I just teased you about it and you just made me more.

I’ve never told you how cool and badass I find you, that your taste in music is so much better than mine. Now I’ve left so you have to deal with your problems alone, just no I’m here for you. Just a tip, don’t listen to those aunties about your short hair or tanning yourself when you play.

I thought I’d be your role model, but no has seen my flaws as you have, so I guess I can take that load off me. I’ve seen adults grow apart and I couldn’t afford it with you.

Haha you don’t have instagram so you’ll probably never see this.

Love
~ Jia

If you ask me the only movie I’ve cried watching, it’s Interstellar.

To me it was more than a science fiction, it was more than Murphy’s Law, it was more than Gargantua’s pull or those decades spent at Miller’s planet, it was more than being trapped in a different dimension.

It taught me not to go gentle into that good night, the fact that we’ve always defined ourselves by the ability to overcome the impossible, it taught me that we can look over and actually find our place amongst the star’s and most importantly whatever has to happen will happen.

And maybe that’s why I fall in love with people and things, who show me even a bit of their soul, it ties me to the idea that love can transcend through space and time. That we really are pioneers, and there are random supernovas where I suddenly get these feelings so strong much like the Black Holes gravity, but somehow I cannot stay at the event horizon and I fall into it endlessly. They say the speed of light is fast, infact faster than most anything according to relativity, then why is that it’s still too slow for interstellar travel when I’m sure there could be something out there. Isn’t being a 0.7 not enough, saying that they aren’t out there is like taking a glass of water and filling it from the ocean, just cause there are no fish in the glass, can we just say there are no fish in the ocean, Fermi paradox you see.

There are quantum fluctuations I no (know), there is the dual nature…then how is the uniformity maintained. Astronomy as Carl Sagan said is a humbling experience, for me it is so much more.

Don’t you see it?

For everything in my life I have tried to compare it to the observable universe, who knows what else I’m yet to find, they said E=mc^2 is incomplete, but enough for me to realise that we’re all just a speck of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

Mankind was born on Earth, it was never meant to die here, you have to be a little crazy if you believe that sitting in a metal tube, waiting for it to set off, and going someplace where no one has ever been with no guarantee that you’ll ever return, and trusting it without even fully understanding, cause as I see it there are no limits (yet).

It’s not Rocket Science, we’re stuck in an orb floating in the middle of nowhere it’s okay to feel a little sometimes.

The first romantic movie I watched was Titanic, not the whole thing ofcourse but the sunset scene was enough to make me believe, I like old romantics.
They shaped most of my ideologies about love, like how in UP he went on to fullfill his wife’s dream, it was About Time that you could live a moment again and again but you’ll know exactly when it’s right. And when I finally said those three words to someone it would mean forever, and maybe PS I love you was also after death did us apart. Love Rosie really made me believe that if you’re destined to be with your soulmate, you could even after 50 years. At the end of the day, what I believed it would be long walks by the moonlit beach, and it would always be a grand proposal in front of everyone where I’d be more excited than Monica screaming I’m engaged! (That part may still be true)
That someone would travel through a black hole for me, cause love transcends space and time.

Instead

I saw a very different perspective.
Two people who were married and didn’t wear engagement rings, they didn’t remember when they were engaged but they made an effort to wear the same colour. The few months they had to stay apart in a generation without mobile phones, they made it through with letters. Maybe it was through days of sickness and just smiling through their quirks. It wasn’t about grand gestures but a hug after a long day. All conversations didn’t revolve around love, some were just listening to the breath or maybe a snore. Turns out it wasn’t all flowers and chocolates but much more of roasting and laughter. It was random moments of appreciation and the care in their eyes, the banter and sometimes the absolute moment of silence as opposed to the fireworks I was expecting.
It was simply being there.
After all this time.
Always.

Dear the one who left

You left
But you left me with alot of habits.
For instance, I’ve learnt to do things that actually make me happy.
I learnt that getting up in the middle of the night and actually talking to someone who cares isn’t that bad
Maybe me overcompensating for certain things doesn’t bother some people
Oh and my friends understand, some of them have faced it too.
I still get anxious sometimes, but I’ve learnt to convert it into something positive. You looked down upon me trying new things turns out it makes me what I am. I remember when you constantly complained about me talking, turns out some people like that and I can be a listener too.
I started off using writing as a coping mechanism, turns out I fell in love with that form of expression.

They say it takes 21 days to make a habit, I had 3.5 years to make these.

Not yours
~ wabi-sabi

I realised the other day that disney shaped most of my life.

I guess Toy story really made me believe that there is a buzz to a woody.
And ofcourse love worked in a way that lady would find her tramp, that I could live in a house with 7 men and society would be accepting of it.
And that love worked like UP, where I’d marry the first boy I dated.
And for some reason, I’d fall into a hole where life would be magical and changed forever, that I’d befriend a rat that could cook, and the old man was actually a superhero.
That in some way the sky would actually fall on my head, and we’d have to leave earth behind.
That our differences make us unique and special, that Hakuna Matata could be the motto of my life.
That one day I could have a library full of books, bottom to top
That I’d find a magic lamp which would grant me all my wishes.
That I had a twin somewhere, and I was secretly a princess.
That I’d find a bridge to Terabithia
Maybe someday I could save lives just by tears, or just a hope that I could sleep for a long time, and that true love would accept me as I was or that if I traveled far enough, I could find anything.

Most importantly, I could wear a crop top and eat as much as I wanted and love myself.

Overthink

Verb
Gerund or present participle: overthinking
think about (something) too much or for too long

Anytime someone looks up this term, it’s followed by 10 or more articles about how not to overthink, but why?
Why is it that we can’t think about a certain someone or for a situation for a long time?

Overthinking is or can be by synonymous  to over loving or over dressing, neither of which seem viable because it is what allows you to feel wholly

I read a poem the other day:
So many people walk this earth
With purpose in their eyes
But in their heart of hearts they know
What they’re living is a lie
The alarm goes off at 6 AM
Like every other day
So that they walk into a job they hate
.
.
.
I’m all too scared for that day
I’ll become like the rest
Only walking with the crowd
I’ll look back and realise
I never lived, just existed

And this is why overthinking or over loving is nothing but taking each experience without holding back